Tag Archives: discretion

Handle with Discretion

“Though the big estates are interspersed now with middle-class homes, the overall impression is of money, carefully cultivated and preserved, vintage elegance harking back to a time when wealth was handled with discretion and material display reserved for one’s financial peers.” Kinsey Millhone’s observation in “C” is for Corpse

Sue Grafton is one of my rereads. You know, those books that become good friends, that bring you comfort and make you feel cozy all over just by picking it up? I highly recommend her alphabet series or anything else she writes, but it is her character Kinsey Millhone that provokes great thought for me. As I reread each book there is always something that stands out that did not the last time.

Yesterday was one of those A Plus days for me. The kind where wonderful things happen, one after another, and you end up driving along thinking, “I think I have everything I could possibly want in this life.”

And in that moment of absolute bliss came a mixture of emotion. I want to shout from the roof tops or stop every person walking along and tell them how perfect my life is, and then it occurred to me that so many people are in pain for one reason or another. There are problems, terrible sad problems.

Would my expression on joy be just that, an expression? Or was I thinking the world should just be happy because in that moment I was happy? Should I feel guilty at what I have and others do not?

I recognized that what I should be, and was, is grateful for my good fortune. I wondered how I could reconcile what joy I had with the poorer states of others. Loved ones, struggling, worried.

And then I thought of the above quote I had read yesterday, “when wealth was handled with discretion”, and it occurred to me that happiness and good fortune should be handled the same way. Not at all, SEE WHAT I HAVE? SEE HOW HAPPY I AM? SEE MY GOOD FORTUNE?

But with discretion, and gratitude.

Kinsey’s adventures are some of the best you will read, but her draw for me is where her head is at. What she thinks. What she observes. I think of her often throughout a day because in her I find a monitor of some sort. Not perfection but honesty that is clean, humorous, and core basic. I am not sure if that makes any sense to you but I do like how it rolls around my gray matter. I think I could write a book about the kind of person she is but Grafton pretty much has done that also with her book, “Kinsey and Me.”

What I realize is that our society is all about showing off what we have, what we do, where we go and who we know. The thought about discretion and being circumspect (another word that comes to mind in this), is appealing, and comforting, and proper somehow, though the idea of ‘proper’ seems to be shamed and scorned these days.

**In case you are wondering, no I did not win the lottery (yet), and nothing earth shaking happened, except a couple of very small things made me realize I am Blessed and Grateful. And I wish the same for all of you.

*** Yeah yeah I know, bad miserable days when nothing goes right will come again, but for now there is happiness!!

C is for Corpse

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Observations on Men and Dating

Observations on Men and Dating

It’s taken me awhile to decide to write this particular blog.  Partly because no matter how hard I try to avoid saying something negative about people, it cannot be avoided, and partly because even in this ‘modern’ age, there is still a perception out there about women who ‘date’.

When you think about it though, if one is single for a number of years there is going to be a history of men, or whatever your particular gender preference is.  For me it happens to be men.  

Basics to remember please:
From a man’s view point I am sure each observation  can apply equally to women. 
No matter how much discretion one uses in choosing to date,  over a number of years the total cannot help but look like you have been through an army, battalion, fleet, (description of your choosing), of said males.  I mean it ‘looks’ like that but in fact is not.
There are obviously millions/billions who have dated and found suitable mates.
Dating for me does not necessarily mean going to bed with.  This is a salient point to remember as in today’s world one so often equals the other and I am sure for many, dating is synonymous with sex.  Sex seems to have become a social activity not much different than going bowling (point of clarification-I don’t bowl).  It has become a sport not an intimate decision based on mutual attraction and respect.

Why date?  
Truthfully I have single women friends who do not date by choice. Each of them has had one great love, or in some cases one disastrous marriage, or are nuns, and that is enough.
For me I suppose I continue to look for The One. No not Neo.(matrix – the one ? haha).  But if you ask me outright, or if I ask myself outright, I will say I am happy with my life.  It’s pretty perfect as it is.  Which means I still ask my self the question without any brilliant answers.  Short answer- I don’t know.
I do know over the years I have met some incredible wonderful people who to this day, I consider friends. I have met some who were characters and sources of ongoing humor…remember Eyore? Some were just plain nice.

Sources of dates
It used to be just meeting someone in person, paths crossing, chatting, dating.  When I first made the choice, quite consciously, after a few years, to date, I mentioned it at work.  I think I would like to find a man to go to the movies with said I.  It was more a thought that found my outside voice.  
Immediately, and I swear, in the true blink of an eye, our office quiet little bunny springs to my side and whispers in my ear, “You need to go on Plenty of Fish.”
I had never heard of POF or dating sites in general.  How unhip of me.  She then took over my computer, and in the office, the workplace, contravening every company policy signed me up.  I did not even have time to think.  
“Now you have to say something about yourself,” she said typing God knows what.
  “Er. I don’t know what to say.”
“Never mind, I”ll just put that you like to have fun.  It works for me every time.”
Being naive and totally ignorant of the unspoken rules I did not know that statement equals…Hey boys come get it!

The next morning I checked my email as usual.  There were pages of messages from men!  Wow this was like shopping on line!  Some were terrible come ons but some came across quite interesting and decent sounding.  So for the next few weeks I met men and it was fun.  I was lucky as my first foray turned up quite decent chaps.  I did change my profile as they were kind enough to tell me what ‘likes to have fun’ means.

Dating has changed and this is where the observations come in.
Younger men…read forties and early fifties here,  yes to your question,  were and are the most respectful, fun and genuine.  Some remain friends.
Men, most not all, my age…read 60 plus here, were and continue to be stuck back in high school, trying to ‘get somewhere fast’.  They persist in believing that if they take a woman out, even if she pays equally, they should get reimbursed.  And they can be quite vocal regarding this expectation.  It’s like they are sixteen in living in their grandpa’s bodies.
Some have taken life’s experiences and made it part of their personal growth.
Too many are like Eyore from my post on Dating by the Light..
There is a lot of hurt out there that remains unresolved.  Bitterness nurtured by constant replay.
Men may genuinely feel their intentions are honorable, but that perception can be a little skewed.
Men, some, lie, whether to themselves or their date.  I carried on months of emails with one chap, retired professional who had sent me a pic stating it was taken about four years previous.  When I finally decided to meet him he was like MY grandpa!  The pic was probably fourteen or forty years ago.  His first words on meeting face to face were…I GOTTA PEE LIKE A RACE HORSE!
Men, most, persist in accounting for every woman they ever dated.  This is a bad sign, and worse *take this seriously, ANY man who bad mouths previous relationships has established a negative permanent opinion of women in general. Run – don’t walk to the nearest exit.
Men like women are just trying to find their way through the whole dating thing.  They are just as unsure of themselves, lonely and seeking something.  Like women they don’t always know what that is.

Maybe we all just need to take up bowling.

P.S.  Some of you special friends and you know who you are, are going to ask what my current status is on dating.  I still date now and then but not a lot.  Frankly the thrill of dressing up, being perpetually interested, keeping an on going spotless home, and reporting to my guardian friends has become tiresome.  Although last night I did have a date with a charming older man, whose only fault I noted was his anger at not being invited up after.  The end! Of that one anyway.