Those persistent niggling thoughts..

This is January 11th, 2011
If my prayers and meditation say that my vocation is not my right time for my purpose, that there is more, then that is my focus then What is my purpose?  What do I need to be doing?  I have been practicing saying out loud that I am retired.  The fact is I think I am not.
All of my experiences must be the key.  I knew as a child that I would be a nurse.
The thought came to be, clear as a bell when I was fourteen and walking up the back steps of my church.  Out of the blue.  I was puzzled by it and wondered consciously how that would ever happen.  Then I put it out of my mind, A because I had no idea how that would come about, and B because something deep inside said not to worry about it.  So I did not.  Matter of fact I don’t think I ever considered it again.
Years later toward the end of high school someone put a small advert for nurses training in my hand and I just mailed it in. Voilà it happened.
I have a germ of an idea in the back of my mind.  It began with a small tickling that caught my curiosity. The problem is, it’s in the back of my mind, and not one I would normally pursue, however I must give it time and contemplate quietly to give it a chance to blossom.
I find myself excited to find out what it is.

Nuts….

Nuts I missed yesterday’s post. Not because the day was hectic or anything like that. I seem to be falling into a very relaxed lifestyle which had it benefits last week, but the vacation in my mind has to change. Today I must start a more vigorous schedule.

I now truly have time to do some domestic clean up that I normally would not have time for. I also need to plan a schedule with purpose.

So here I go!

Post a day?

Strangest thing ..I have posted each day but the displayed dates are wonkie?

Today I found support where I thought there was none.
Being home is strange and while I have not accomplished a lot around the house I have kept busy.

I read something this morning about manifesting and 100 positive thoughts, so thought I would write that many. I have gotten to 59 and realize it may take one more day to complete. I started each one with “I have always known…”. It is fun and an exercise I recommend to anyone.

The Second day…

The second day

The second day of the challenge.  The second day of the new year.  So far so good but of course this has been the weekend and tomorrow I face my fear.  Someone who can suck the joy of life right out of you with just a look.  And of course someone who has the authority to do it.

So I started reading The 90 Day Manifest.  In just those few days anyone is supposed to overcome their fears and manifest prosperity, health and an all around good life.  It all depends on the right attitude.  Certainly I need the help to deal with this person.  I used to have it…the sparkle.  Not sure how I lost it but will let you know how the manifesting goes!

Endings or Beginnings?

I guess before I can move into this delicious new year I should take stock of where we ended.  Sort of a status report.
D&K are getting ready to move west.  And she is warming up to the idea of retiring in June.  Lucky girl!
B&K are settling well into their new life in the village.
J started last year sixty-four pounds heavier than she is now.
A my bro I have not seen much of and I plan to change that.
D&S I have not seen near enough of either.  Another important change to make.
L is heading to Hawaii this month.
P a dear friend, I also want to see more of.
P2 is also heading to Hawaii.
Me…I am on the brink of new exciting days.

And everyone one of us went through personal hell this past year.  More tears than laughter.  We all survived.  A little broken and bruised for sure but surviving.

New Year Fun! Everyday!

I love a challenge.  I almost forgot that in the turmoil of 2010.  So when I read the wordpress challenge to post a day I did not consider it until a little voice reminded me.

It took me by surprise because I had stopped listening to that little voice AND because it had been ages since I felt any true excitement about anything. 

But the idea of making a daily commitment woke me up.  Maybe because it is achievable.  Although life’s lessons have taught me anything is achievable if you believe.  This past year my believe capability has been beaten out of me.    I want me back.  I used to sparkle.  Maybe just maybe?

Dating by the light…

Dating by the light..of a burning bridge

One cannot be single for a significant number of years and not have experienced dates spawned no doubt from some weird alter universe.  Well that may be exaggerating just a bit.  But oh my, where do they come from?

One chap whose given name will not be used, but who I called Eyore for reasons soon to be made obvious, I met on a dating site.  After the initial on line chats he suggested we meet for coffee.  I agreed and we set a Saturday afternoon for our first, and what became our last encounter.

Now I think the folk who work at every Williams, Second Cup,Starbucks and yes even “Timmies” suddenly have the most fun jobs in existence.  Internet dating and the perfunctory first meeting have made these centers the place to be.  Take the time to grab that cup of java, find somewhere to sit where you can observe the going on.  Best entertainment ever.  But I digress, and the whole subject is worthy of it’s own blog.

So as my car pulls up I notice a gent watching me as he is walking by.  Putting on my best smile I say, Hi Eyore.  Well I really called him by his proper name.  Now I knew from our previous communication that he was divorced, lived the other side of TO and moved to my city to be closer to his adult children.  He did not really smile, but looked like he might be trying and somehow he found that painful.  As we walked into the shop I asked him how long he had lived in my city.  He replied that it had been three months and moved because his children lived here. 

He really should have taken some first date lessons. Any way his tale was filled with heartbreak and sorrow about the divorce and the huge cost that went with it.  And I swear his voice was exactly like Eyore’s – exactly.  As I listened my first thought was that this guy was not ready to date anyone yet.  Except maybe a therapist.  However, my heart did reach out to him.  Expecting the answer to be three months, he stunned me when he groaned out, “1989”.  I was shocked.  Stunned even.  I sat back in my booth, looked at him for a full sixty seconds trying to frame an appropriate response, when suddenly I knew I would have to be honest with this fractured soul.  My voice low and even, “Are you saying that for every day for twenty-one years you have moaned and groaned and been in angst over this?
“Oh yes” he replied, “and it cost me a ton of money.  And it broke my heart.”
“You do realize there are lots of people who have been through worse?” I leveled at him.
But. he would not, could not believe it.  He honestly did try to smile a couple of times and it looked hideously painful.

Coffee ended and he walked me to my car saying he wanted to see me again.  I mumbled, gave him a quick hug goodbye before he could lunge  for a kiss.  By the time I got home he had messaged me saying he could hardly wait to see me again and I was a spectacular woman.  Right I thought..and your negativity would suck every joy out of my life.  I never answered which begs the question, should I have told him the truth?
That was one of my first attempts in meeting someone my age.  Sheesh!

There are no facts, only interpretations. – Friedrich Nietzsche. The truth I think that validates everything you have to say.

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