Category Archives: Musings

A Surprising Saturday full of changes – subtle as they may be

 

change

Sometimes change surprises me.  And I ask myself, If change is not planned, is it then chance?

I think there are subtle changes constantly as time goes on.  It may be a subtle as adapting to how we do things.  Perhaps due to physical changes as we grow and age, or it may be a change in attitude or perspective.  With or without external influence because, of course, it could be due to internal influences.

I was surprised to realize changes I had made.  Without consciously planning – I think.

On this moist Saturday morning here in sunny southwestern Ontario, humidity was 100%, I awoke to some thoughts.  Of course.  Those who have followed me know I have this thing about first morning thoughts being the best and brightest of the day.

The most astounding change, which for some reason only occurred to me during the ‘brightest thoughts of the day’ moment was realizing MY changes of late.  For example, FB gives a voice to anyone who signs on, billions I think, and it gives a voice without thought or reason.  No filter necessary.  It’s a reactionary voice.  See a post – react.  Reminds me of the instructions on shampoo bottles – shampoo, rinse, repeat.  Reactionary posts, in my mind, are most often inflammatory.

I had gotten into a despicable habit, thought to really be a public service, until I really thought about it. Damn, ‘thought’ does change things.  Whenever I read a news article about some outrageous thing I would post it on FB.  And as you know while I used to call out perceived injustices in many things, there suddenly appeared someone on the world stage who  provided fodder not just daily but sometimes hourly.

The end result was I felt like um,  well you can guess.  Then I came across some more positive things to share and without realizing it I discovered I was feeling much better about the things.

See?  Change without planning.  Quite nice.

Another change that just seemed to evolve but I did not realize until my ‘brightest thoughts’ this morning is the way I carry out my day.  I am a huge advocate for  GOALS.  But only thought about them daily and never really and truly did anything about them.

Then as simple as rolling over in bed I started doing somethings differently.  My usual routine had been to wake, pick up  my iPad, check emails etc, play a game and contemplate my schedule for the day. ( A biggie when one is retired.)  Then one morning a few days ago a ‘brightest’ thought drifted across my brain – what if I did not look at my iPad but first got up, had breakfast, and carried on.  The first couple of times I chose to ignore said thought, but one adventurous morning followed that thought.  And it has made quite a change to my creativity, which is always best first thing. *Since I am blogging instead of vegging – it seems it was a good idea.

There are quite a few subtle changes I realize, and I won’t list them, but there are a couple of wise thoughts that repeat of late:

don't believe everything you think

Do not believe everything you think.’ As Louise Penny’s, Armand Ganache says, in ‘A Great Reckoning’

‘Three things to take care – Of whom you speak, To whom you speak, and when, and why, and where,’ A paraphrase from Judith Baxter  of ‘I choose how I will spend the rest of my life’ when she spoke of sayings her mother taught her.

There is a new project of sorts I have started.  It came from one of those blurby things on FB and I can’t refer you to it except it was about Headlines we read.  Pretty grim these days and instead of READING headlines to MAKE your own headline each day.  For instance: AGING WOMAN DISCOVERS CHANGE FOR THE BETTER NOT ONLY POSSIBLE BUT RELATIVELY PAINLESS.

Nov 2014 100

Judge not…

The path to self-improvement, self-awareness, or whatever you want to call it is rocky, winding, convoluted, strewn with obstructions (I suspect of our own making), and littered with shiny objects designed to distract us, and keep us from reaching truth.  I don’t know why it is this way.  I just think it is.

For truth is where improvement lies.  And of course you all know by now what I think of truth.  It like ‘fact’ is merely a perception.  So is truth that personal a thing?  Truth or the perception of truth is so personal that it can only be my truth, and not necessarily your truth?

I am seventy-one and no closer to wisdom than the day I was born.  Is truth wisdom? Or does wisdom lead us to truth?  I think of these things every time I learn something new about myself.

Recently I discovered that under the guise of love I have been judgmental.  Judging the actions of those I love, but not realizing it was judging, rather thinking it was love mixed with ennui and fear?

How did this epiphany occur?  By discovering that those who love me (give your head a shake if necessary, I am not talking about romantic love) have in fact been judging me.  This all came about because of a decision I made about something, that, while it did not impact my nearest and dearest caused them to make a judgement. About me.  “Well she shouldn’t have done that.”

When this came to me through a conversation designed to explain concern my initial reaction was, “??”

I mentally objected that my nearest and dearest were judging me.  There is no question that they love me.  And they think their concern is in my best interest.

That’s when it hit me.  The awareness really had nothing to do with them but it acted like a mirror.  That’s when I realized that I sat in judgement of those I loved.  It did not change my love for them.  But I discovered a few uncomfortable things:

  1. When you sit in judgement of anyone, you place yourself above them.
  2. You may think you are loving them, but when you judge, that is not love. It is judgement.
  3. To truly love you must not judge but must accept. Right or wrong you accept.
  4. Your love provides a safe place. You are the rock.
  5. We are all human. We make the worst decisions at times.  And at those times those who love us never stop.
  6. There are no conditions to love. (If you do this and don’t do this I will love you)

The most difficult thing is to realize that no matter how old you are there are always lessons to learn.  And even more humiliating is the realization that so many others recognize the Truth long before you.

I know one thing;

I will never again judge those as right or wrong, those whom I love.

This is not about me.

The Two of Me

Well leave it to Celi at thekitchensgarden to stimulate my morning creative flow with her post.

This morning she talked about how there are two of us, the one we see, and the one they think they see of us.  I suppose it could be broken down even further like the structure of the universe, but it’s a pretty good basic to begin with.

Celi asks, ‘If you only had one word to describe yourself what would it be’?  Herself she describes as Eclectic which seems to fit exactly with her diverse and exceptional life.

The very first word to mind would not have been my first choice.  Nothing magical, strong, or adventurous.

oil-spill-flotsam-washed-ashore-19017934 from:Dreamstime.com

In fact it is FLOTSAM.  I know it is a marine term and means floating pieces, parts, etc., from a ship that has been wrecked and alas that is how I think my life has been. I seem to have very little control of it myself. Sometimes I feel like I am just along for the ride and must weather it as well as possible. Not a very strong word at all, but a surviving as cheerfully as possible word.

I have had times when I have determined to take control of my life.  Ha! Inevitably something happens with a bang that was uncontrollable and smacks me upside the head.  Foolish girl.

Anyway, FLOTSAM is my word.  What is yours?

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m sixty-four?

Will you still need me; will you still feed me, when I’m sixty-four?

When The Beatles first sang this song in 1967 I was young enough that 35 seemed very old and the thought of ever turning 64 seemed pretty much impossible.  I just didn’t give it much thought.  Well sixty-four now passed me by.

I’ve been musing a lot lately; thinking, considering, evaluating, contemplating.  Probably because I am about to enter my sixty-fifth year and it is a new frontier.  Neither of my folks reached this age and I am the oldest of my siblings and most of my cousins.  I know, I know.  Many of you are saying 65 is not old and I keep hearing things like, ‘sixty is the new forty.’  Well, I remember forty and no it isn’t quite.  The spirit is willing, and there are many things I do that make me feel pretty good, pretty healthy, pretty young, but the song I most identify with is Toby Keith’s ‘As Good As I Once Was’.

‘I ain’t as good as I once was

But I’m as good once as I ever was.’

The most interesting thing to have happened this past week in talking to my friends/family about my party on Friday is that I don’t want any gifts because….and this is the most exciting part…I suddenly realized that there is nothing on this earth that I need or want.

This doesn’t mean that I have everything – it means I am happy, content and satisfied.

I went outside for my usual evening outing to look at the sky last night and on spying the first star I began my little ‘Star light, Star bright, grant the wish I wish tonight’ and stopped just as I started with the realization that I do not have anything to wish for.  And then the epiphany – I am happier right now than I have ever been in my life.  The knowledge came to me quite suddenly and without much ado – it just sort of is.

I still have mountains to climb, dreams to fulfill, stories to create, but I also have happiness, contentment, and gratitude.

I guess as I finish writing this I realize there is a wish I will make on tonight’s star, and that is that every one of you will find this same happiness.

I am fortunate to have people who love me – in spite of myself (I have marveled at that before) and if I have one particular goal this year it will be to let all of them know how much they mean to me.

Who knew?    I do know that this is already the best birthday of my life.

Monday Mayhem or Is It?

When the Mamas and the Papas sang “Monday Monday” the Monday mornings were fine, the Monday evenings not so much.

At Psycentral.wordpress.com Dr. Gary Wood did a nice piece in January about our perception of Monday and the Monday Morning Blues and gives us a few ideas about changing it.

It’s not just Mondays that are affected by perception of course, it is very single itsy bitsy thing in our lives including ourselves.  I like to play around with thoughts of what is real and what is reality anyway, but today the thought is about Mondays because I find it just plain fascinating.

All through my career my love of Mondays was sort of an optimistic hangover from Friday afternoons?  See?  I wasn’t too crazy about Friday mornings as those were reality mornings when the reality was…hmm, I may be losing you here.  Let me try to explain from the beginning, if in fact a circle can have a beginning. (Of course it does, because we perceive it to)  Oh!  Unless you perceive it to not have a beginning, which makes me wonder if that is more a negative perception?  But is there really such a thing as a negative perception or just a different one?  Difference does not have to be negative or positive does it?  It just can be.  I think.

Back to my point.  Mondays I started the week with goals for the week ahead.  I loved that feeling of having direction and it gave me some sense of security.  And hope. And optimism.  It was wonderful.  Friday mornings alas, I had to review what I achieved and what I did not and at times felt somewhat down (never severe enough to be called disheartened).  But oh joy when Friday afternoon I took my favorite hour of the day to set goals for the next week, building on my achievements of the previous week.  It was a great time to review and plan and felt darn good.  So when everyone else left on a Friday afternoon with a big smile on their faces because it was the weekend, I too left happy to enjoy a couple of days before I could start my well planned week!

I have missed that since retiring but I have an immense satisfaction that when Monday morning rolls around I am there to teach my grandson to look forward to his day and his week.  I ask him, “Gee, I wonder what new things you will learn this week?”  And as I watch him cross the school yard weaving a wobbly adventurous path as only eight year olds can do, I notice the spring in his step and my heart does its own little song and dance of joy.

Oil Changes and Assumptions

It’s nice to have time to sit quietly.  Where does one get this kind of time in the early morning?  Why at a Canadian Tire waiting for an oil change.  It’s quite lovely really sitting in an empty waiting room listening to the fellow at the front desk click away sporadically at his keyboard or field a call of enquiry on what services they provide and the resultant cost.

There has been a hint of summer approaching and babble that we would just skip spring altogether this year.  Ah then nature asserts his or her (why do we think of nature as a her?)  well..nature and we are reminded not to assume…anything..ever.  It makes me wonder how almanacs can be written with frequent accuracy or near accuracy so far into the future.  In the midst of our premature summer and early suntans we had one day and night of cold.  Cold enough to turn the beautiful pink magnolia blossoms brown and limp just hours before they were ready to burst in glory.   Three hardy little daffodils that surfaced earlier remain buttering an otherwise blah garden bed. We are so easily spoiled and then disappointed, forgetting there are basic reliable rules, one of those being, do not plant anything before May 24th.  Of course the way the weather is going it could be winter by then.  No, just kidding!  But not assuming anything.

And now the forecast is for 3-5 mm of snow tomorrow.  It may be a teaser but if not we will just wait it out.  Good thing I got my tan in the first to weeks of March!